there are many times in my life when i feel like giving up. in any thing.
giving up school. giving up working. giving up trying to get better after a nasty flu. but even through all those times, i never gave up my passion for fashion. after being able to sew, this included never giving up sewing.
until about a year ago. i didnāt know what was happening, i didnāt even know it was happening. i kept telling myself that it was a good thing i donāt sew as much anymore, because who needed all those clothes anyway? i hid behind my own resolution to not sew useless things, and in the end i hardly sewed at all.
but somewhere along the way i realized that i did not even feel good among fabrics anymore. they didnāt call me the way they used to. when i looked at my fabric collection, i got exhausted already, thinking of all the work i got to do to process them into a wearable item. that was when i realized something must be wrong with myself.
i was tired at that time, physically and mentally. there were many things going on at work, and no matter how hard i tried not to bring them back to home with me, i still did. i lost count on how many nights i lost sleep. and even when i did sleep, i woke up a lot earlier than my alarm and couldnāt get back to sleep. this lasted for more than a year, and regardless of how many times my husband encouraged me to go to the doctor for my insomnia, i never did.
funnily enough, at the same time, my work mates were relying on me to get things done. not that they didnāt do it themselves, but it seemed like their favourite person to turn to for help when there was some problem at work was me. and i was/am not even in any official managerial position. i didnāt mind this, of course, but i wondered why i came off to them like i was holding everything together just fine, when i was actually also ready to tumble down.
i wanted to give up everything at that time. including this blog, which i had abandoned for months.
and then earlier this year, i came across this article. reading the first way of its manifest in real life rang alarm bells in my head already.
sewing, and fashion, used to be my rock, my safe haven. it was what i identified myself with. seeing clothes or fabrics used to bring me joy, even to just be among them, not having to own them. when it stopped doing that, then what had i become? who was i?
luckily for me, i didnāt have to go to any doctor to get myself diagnosed for any depression, because the help came almost right away.
some time after reading that article, there came a shocking change at my workplace, something i didnāt think would happen. as with any big changes in my life, i was pessimistic about it at first. but regardless, i stayed, and saw through the change, day by day.
and days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. suddenly, i could see myself sewing again. i could hear the fabrics calling me again, and i started getting ideas and energy to sew things again. i tried sewing one skirt, and then another top, and another…. before i knew it, i got myself back. š
so what was the help that i got? it was first and foremost: acceptance. first, after reading that article and slowly tried to make sense of it, i accepted the fact that i might be experiencing some sort of depression. and the change that happened at work was, in short, a change of superior position. and lucky for me, and all of us, this change turned out to be the best. because she had that in her, too. acceptance.
we are not perfect. and we were all extremely tired at that time. but she listened to all of us and accepted us as who we are. by doing this, she made us feel worthy, and also feel at home, even when we are at work. she stood by us when the one before her didnāt.
it may sound small to some people, but to me, at that moment, it meant the whole world. if the change hadnāt come at that time, i probably would have had to go to a doctor, get some prescribed medication, and who knows whether i would be okay enough right now to sew, and blog, and live happily.
this acceptance, both from myself and outside of me, made me feel like the burden on my shoulders were lifted up. now i can finally turn off my āworkā-mind when i go home from work, not because my superior ordered me to, but because i know things will be taken care of. for the first time after about 1,5 years, i could finally sleep peacefully at night.
iām writing this down here so that if i ever have the same problem again, i can read this post and know that i had once gotten through this. that i had learned to accept myself, and someone else also had given that to me. next time, if there ever will be, there may not be an understanding person such as my superior, but i hope by then i wouldāve learned that self-acceptance is the key to finding myself back and being happy. ā„ļø
i’ll just have to keep wearing the blouse outside of my trousers.
Step Into The Silver Rain 