the dreamer

well, that was a quick weekend.

i did manage to sleep at nights, maybe the song helped after all. :p but even when i managed to sleep, they’re mostly restless sleeps. i would wake up several times at night, around every 2 hours, and i always, ALWAYS dream. even when i only sleep for 15 minutes, i see a dream.

sometimes my sleeps are so restless that the only way i could tell if i have actually slept at all is by remembering if i dreamt or not. i honestly can’t remember the last time i had a long dreamless sleep.

i tried to keep a dream journal once, because i was (and still am) a bit superstitious. but then when i realized that i dream everyday, and sometimes more than just once, i stopped recording them in the journal. i couldn’t keep track of my multiple dreams anymore.

there are times when i try to find meanings to my dreams, was it my higher consciousness trying to tell me something, perhaps?

and then some other times i knew that my dreams meant nothing, just leftovers of whatever image was conjured up in my head before my sleep.

but then there are those dreams that are so deeply emotional, that even when i wake up, the feeling or emotion lingers in me. the most common strong emotion i feel in my dreams are sadness (crying so hard, i almost can’t breathe) and anger (yelling and shouting angrily that my throat feels sore). waking up after these kinds of dreams, i would actually feel like crying or tired of shouting, even though i have no reason to feel any of those emotions in real life.

another kind that can be just as emotional to me, even without any extreme emotion in the dream itself, is when i meet the people who have long gone away from life. people who have passed away. i can sometimes understand it when i dream them when i have been thinking about them. but sometimes, or most of the time, the dreams happen when i haven’t even been thinking about them at all.

this morning, for example, i dreamt of my first ex-boyfriend’s late grandmum. she was as lively as she had always been in her life, kind and warm. i woke up feeling sad as i realized that it was only a dream, and that in reality she’s already gone for years. but i can’t understand why i suddenly saw her in my dream, even when i haven’t thought about her, or even thought about her grandson. :p and then, of course, i got reminded of her last few days.

she had an eye tumor that quickly became cancer and spread to her brain. i remember visiting her in the hospital with her grandson (no longer my boyfriend at the time) and our mutual friend who also knew her for almost as long as i did. we, that is, i and this mutual friend of ours, had planned to visit her for a few days, but for some reason, we couldn’t make the time until this one day. when we went there, she was already unconscious, her mouth was covered with gauze fabric but in an opened position because that was how she breathed. she was much thinner than when i saw her the previous time, but she was deep in her sleep and looked peaceful.

we were awkward at first, not really knowing what to do or say in a situation like this (we were around 20, i believe). it was at least my first time of being so close to (someone else’s) death. so we tried to talk casually, as if she was there with us, and then in no time at all, we could actually feel that she was indeed there with us. we started joking around like in the old days when we would joke around with her, and finally, before we left, we said to her, “get well soon, Oma… so we can talk and laugh together again.” i pressed her hand, and silently bid my goodbye.

i didn’t see any dream that night. or at least, nothing worth remembering. but the next night, my ex-boyfriend called me, and said that she passed away.

i couldn’t help but feel the shivers down my spine when i heard the news. it was almost as if she waited for us to say goodbye to her, not a moment too soon did she leave us.

back to the dream… it’s certainly not my first time dreaming of people who have passed away. and while i may never know the reason why, i would automatically think of this person i dreamt of. maybe that is all the meaning there is. for us to remember them who had gone away before us. have we really let them go?

i still don’t know what the meaning of my dream this morning is, if there is any meaning to it at all. but whatever it is, and whoever it was who gives us dreams, i thank you for reminding me of her. hope she’s in peace.

sometimes i envy people who can sleep without seeing any dreams. i want to be able to do that, to sleep uninterrupted. but then again, tired as i am for having endless nights of restless sleeps, these kind of dreams are something i’m thankful for (in the end), because i would get reminded of the person that i haven’t seen for some time, and can’t see for God knows how long. even if i would wake up feeling sad for realizing that this person has passed away, seeing her/him in the dream is enough for me to feel like i’ve just met her/him.

so yes, dream giver, keep sending me those dreams. ­čÖé