you know how sometimes in life you feel like you’re so cornered and you don’t know what else to do, and so you do the one thing that you can and just let it go? whatever ‘it’ is. and then once you do, somehow things start to work again. it might not be as quick as that, of course, the whole process. but, it’s like, all you need to do is let go of your emotion(s) (and of course i mean in ways that are morally & lawfully accepted) and the universe/God/whatever will suddenly start to work in your favour once again.
it’s kind of what i feel right now. after blurting out my grey-ness in my last post, for some reason, things started to look upwards again. they did not happen overnight, but gradually, as if something out there is reminding me how to see life in a positive way again, bit by bit.
anyway. what i’m trying to say is that, i’m getting there. the point where i can again honestly and happily say, “i’m fine.”
meanwhile, i just want to thank all of you (you know who you are) who kindly tried to reach me & offered a hand (or an ear) during my grey moments. it meant and still means a LOT to me. 🙂
the most significant thing to me that tells me that i am getting there is the fact that i have actually started sewing again. please let me explain.
i’m sure i don’t have to remind you again how much i love clothes and fabrics. however, when i was at quite a low point, seeing these for some reason made me sad. i know, it’s strange, but i think our brains don’t work too well or even logically when we are down. i don’t know why exactly it made me sad, but the fact that i have to make an effort just to create something to wear already stressed me. it made me even more sad and down when i saw other people’s sewing projects. why can they make great clothes like twice or three times a week, and i can’t? why can they sew perfectly and i can’t? and so on. i kept comparing myself to others, which is not healthy, and completely forgetting why i began sewing in the first place.
so for a long time, i stopped myself from seeing anyone else’s sewing projects. i had to concentrate on me, what was it that i wanted? what made me happy? since when did sewing become a competition for me? aren’t all the clothes i made just for myself, because i like being different, wearing something no one else has?
after a while, it seemed to work. i started seeing my fabrics again as beautiful objects. and when i felt overwhelmed by all the work (before even starting anything), i forced myself to just do it. “just trace the pattern. just that for the day, and then if i get tired then i can stop”. and the next day, again, “just cut the fabric. i can do the rest of the work later, but today, cut the fabric.” on and on, until i finally picked up my sewing machine… and sewed. and this time, i didn’t stop until i was done.
seeing it done made me believe once again in myself.
it was a super simple top that i made this time, but it still means a lot to me, because of all the things i just wrote. i knew that i couldn’t do anything too ambitious while feeling down, because i would just end up criticizing myself and make myself feel even lower than ever. there were different kinds of struggle within me while i did this project, so when the result was actually good, i surprised myself and that felt good. it felt like i can face the world again. 🙂
the pattern i used was pattern no. 128, but using sleeves from pattern no. 127, both from BurdaStyle magazine 02/2015. i changed the slit to be on the back side instead of the front, and added a button for closure. the fabric is polyester, non-stretch. i like the abstract painting feeling of the fabric, and the best part is that i got that fabric for super cheap price: 10€ for a stack of fabrics of all sorts (including this and 2 other similar fabrics, the white combustion-print transparent fabric i used for this, and many more).
abstract and simple. those are the keywords for my days lately. my brain & heart still feel illogical (= abstract) at times and i still sometimes just feel down again and cry for no reason, but they are getting less and less now when i keep things simple.
yes, i believe i’m getting there.