grey clouds

dear blog, i’m sorry i’ve been neglecting you for a while. you know how many times i’ve tried writing something on you lately, and never got around to finish it. i wish i could just clear the dust and cobwebs that’s been gathering here, but even that feels like too much of work for me to do.

dear blog, i think it’s time for me to admit that something is coming over me. the grey clouds. once, before, they had been over me. it was in the days before i even had a blog. some time in 1999 to 2000. the clouds were thick, and they were all around me. once or twice, i could feel that i came out from the surface, breathing normally. but most of the time, i was soaking wet, mostly in my own tears. those days are now to me like a big blur. i remember writing on a notepad (a physical one), anything and everything i felt. i remember calling my friends, up and down, morning and night, please, don’t leave me alone with my own thoughts because they scared me. i remember listening to music to fall asleep, because otherwise the noise in my head would keep me awake.

after about a year, the clouds finally went away, gradually. life went on. i remember thinking, what a miracle.

dear blog… when i was about to move to Finland, i was ‘warned’ by one of my friends. i was warned that life abroad was going to be hard. in my own naive way, i said i was certain i would be okay. i was going to be united with the man i was going to marry, his family would be here. that is all well, my friend said, but none of them would know, truly know and understand what you’re going through, living far away from your whole family and friends.

and so it was, dear blog, that for the whole 8 years i’ve lived here, i tried to prove her wrong. i made new friends, although the ones that i can speak to in my own mother tongue one by one moved away to another country. some few friends i still have here, i talk to in Suomi and English. but they’re not the kinds i can just call up and down, morning and night. and moreover, i don’t have time for that. neither do they. i have to work, most of the time. and when i don’t work, i rest.

those friends who helped me back then when the grey clouds first came over me, i have not talked to for years. not real talking, anyhow. happy birthday, best wishes, how are you these days? a small dip in the water, that’s what the conversations are like. i don’t blame anyone. we lead different lives now. can it be that my friend’s warning was right? no one could truly know and understand what i’m going through? or am i the one pushing them away?

all this time, i thought i was okay. those comics around the internet about introverts are spot on, at least for my case. i’m not unhappy when i don’t have friends around me. most of the time, when i am in social gatherings, i get tired of all the socializing. i prefer being at home on my spare time, sewing, reading a book, watching a movie, anything that doesn’t involve another human being is fine. i know so many other people also say this, oh those comics are so me, i am such an introvert! and yet it puzzles me when i see them posting pictures of their meeting with these friends, those friends, at least twice a week. compare it to my social media accounts, where my pictures are usually just of myself, no friends around. i don’t understand why anyone with a normal social life would call themselves introverts. do they think it’s cool to be one? because i’m starting to believe that it’s not.

dear blog, this time the clouds came without warning. first i could feel the raindrops, and before i knew it, i was inside it. and this time around, when i realized that i don’t have any friends i can call up and down… well, being an introvert sucks. and then it makes me feel guilty to have to blurt it all out to the only person i have access to all day–my husband–although he probably doesn’t mind it. and then it drowns me even deeper into the grey clouds, because i feel like i am nothing but a burden to him. and what makes it worse, this time i don’t even know what caused the grey clouds.

dear blog… i’m sorry that right now it’s hard for me to see the silver lining. these raindrops aren’t silver right now. they’re just plain grey. and there is only me inside. this time, i’m all i have.

i can only hope that by admitting this, i can finally move forward again, somehow. another miracle is what i need.